Tribe of Stinson – Living In South Korea

It’s Hard To Finish Well, (But I’m Not Done Yet)

I’m thinking that I’m tired of telling this story.

Goodness knows that all my old friends in Missouri know it well and are pretty darned tired of hearing me moan “Mia Culpa”.  Shoot, there is only so much moaning and groaning even I can manage.  (That’s alot, by the way).

OK,  for the rest of you dear people who have no idea how obsessed I can get; here is the rest of the story of how our family got here.  I’ll try to give the Readers Digest version so it’s not too long.

Pictures of the walk that I take our doggie on.

After Josh was misdiagnosed as having Smallpox, the doctor retracted his words and we went home with a big tube of industiral strength anti-itch medicine.  (Doctors really need to watch what they say!).  It took two weeks to clear up the mess that was  all over his body, but for some odd reason I just could not calm down.  I don’t know if you have ever had the feeling of fear grip you and suck the breath from your lungs, but I have lived that way for a number of years.  It started with my husbands’ first deployment and thereafter I just kind of went in to meltdowns very easily.

Every cold my kids had, every time John wouldn’t get ahold of me for a few days when he was deployed, every financial hiccup, and I would assume that my kids were going to die, my husband was going to die, and we were going to end up destitute.  It was a very bad way to live, and on top of it, everything I heard at church said that my fear was a sin and that it meant that I did not trust God.  Oh how I loved God and did not want to disappoint Him. 

But do you really think that God was sitting there judging me in the midst of all my fear?

OK, fast forward.  I refused the command sponsored slot they wanted to give us the first time we were here.  Hubby got orders to a place I dreamed of living and we were all back in America.  Hubby was done with his year long unaccompanied tour in Korea, and everything was supposed to be great.  But It didn’t turn out so well.   We had been assigned to Fort Carson, Colorado.  I thought that it was going to be wonderful and that I would be a volunteer at Focus On The Family,  I’d start a ministry and get to know all the movers and shakers in the capitol of Christendom in America.

Really. 

I thought I was going to be somebody and that my family and I would be a lighthouse for other families.  I thought that we could share our difficulties and make a difference in other peoples lives and point them back to God.

What happened was we bought too expensive of a house and got strapped for money,  and my worst nightmare of Hubby getting deployed again happened too.

Do you know what it feels like to feel responsible for your husbands’ life?  Every day I awakened with dread in my heart , knowing that if I had agreed to stay in Korea he would not be deployed.  Every day I thought that if he got killed it was certainly my fault.  I felt like I had committed manslaughter every waking moment.  I hated myself to my very core

Regret sucks.

I was suicidal, so I went to stay with my mom  during the deployment;  knowing that having her around would help keep me on an even keel.  It did, but it was a rough nine months together as I waited for the kids to finish out school.  We lived without all of our things and lived on the generosity of my mom.  I felt pretty low about that too.  But I had to stay sane, so whatever it took; I was willing to do it for my family.

During this time Hubby and I would plan and plan and plan.  We talked by typing to each other over instant messenger.  We wanted to get back to Korea so we could be together.  Korea had scared me the first time but I wanted a second crack at bat.  I knew I had failed my husband and I had failed God by saying no then.  On many tearful nights I prayed for God to let us go again.  I just wanted my husband to be safe.  I also wanted to pray for North Koreas’ tortured Christians and felt that somehow if I were in country that being closer would make my prayers more powerful.

So God arranged it, and John got orders to come back.

But the funny thing is,  it has not been an easy ride.  I thought that once we were in obedience to Gods’ will that we would be blessed with a comfortable life.

Hahahahaha.

Man!   Nothing is ever that way.  I think that sometimes good things must be earned.  As surely as Israel had to go and conquer Jericho after finally entering the Promised Land,  the Stinsons’ have had to struggle to make a decent life here.  (We haven’t yet).  I’m starting to feel more and more pragmatic about it and  I’m not mad at God.  I’m just hanging on to Him with all my might.

I think that God is working through the fear thing that is strickening my throat and makes my pulse rocket.   With every trial I am getting tougher.   I don’t think that God intends for His kids to go around in misery waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I don’t think that that is a blessed life.  Recovering from disappointment and hardship is extremely difficult, but fear and bitterness are so much worse.

So what now?

I’m not done growing and neither is my husband.  I hope that the boys are actually learning good things from mom and dad having a hard time.  I hope they learn how to have faith even when things are trying.  I hope that we don’t scar them for life when we  have our doubts.  I still want my family to be that lighthouse that helps point the way for others to go.  But lighthouses sit on the rockiest outcroppings, and their domain is of storm swept jetties out in the coldest and most dangerous places on earth.  That’s how I feel here.  That’s why I write.  That’s why I hope for a better life for the other families that will come here after me.  I’m just hanging on to the idea that somehow our experiences and these words will bless someone.  I want them to know that they are not alone in their frustration and struggles.  

Is it possible for a blog to be an epitaph of sorts?  I hope so.   God is with me and he is with you too especially in the midst of trouble.

Tags: army family struggles